After eight years of knowing my gods I feel like I’m starting over.
I feel like I had reached a certain place with Them, where I knew my work and They knew that I would do that work and we were all on the same page. Now things have changed, and I’m not certain where I stand or what They really want.
They’ve made it abundantly clear that I’m not done doing Their work, but there’s no hint as to what I’m going to do in the intervening months, nor how I’m going to get back to work for Them. I’ve been slowly trying to ease my way into a ritual practice that suits the overworked schedule of a grad student who happens to be working for pay and interning at the same time. And when I say slowly, I mean glacially. I’ve been doing nothing but purification since Retreat, intentionally. I finally allowed myself to do Senut today, but kept it short, sweet, and to the point. I refuse to fall into the trap of “too much too fast” for returning to regular devotions.
And I feel awkward. I feel like a novice, kneeling uncertainly before my lit candles with a bowl of candy offerings. I waited a few minutes after the offering prayer wondering “now what do I do”? After the elaborate rituals of priesthood, Senut is anticlimactic. I wait for the touch of the Netjeru to come from my little statues, and it doesn’t — not as strongly as my open Icons, anyway.
I need to learn how to feel Them without the tools, I think. To allow myself to reach Their presence as I did before I had the knowledge of a priest. I would find Them so easily when I was new; and then I learned the “right” ways to reach Them and gave up all the others. But I had more time then, still — so who knows. I’ll just do Senut until it clicks.
I don’t question too hard these days. I get up, I work, and I come back to bed when I’m done. I’m Doing, and I’ll think about what I’m Doing when it’s Done.
3 thoughts on “Awkwardly…”
Sometimes I wonder if it might be beneficial to have an online community of grad students. Sometimes if feels like two major commitments pulling you in two different directions (on many levels).
I like your approach…and its one I’ve used before. I just kept “doing”…so long as I did, there was less chance of becoming stagnant. And let the questions be answered later…when I had the mental energy for it.
And as for learning to do it without the tools…I’ve recently come to the same thought. It still feels foreign to me, and I still find time (usually holidays) to break out the regalia. But it becomes necessary due to time and energy.
I’d like to hear more about your journey on this topic 😀 Good luck discovering your new direction. May the Netjeru always guide you.
^ a community for pagan grad students, I mean
Even though I’ve never been in the priesthood, I’ve been feeling in a similar position for a while. That is, when I’ve had the spoons even to think about it. I know Dad is there, along with my other Gods of longer relationship (got a few new Ones Who have appeared but are still quiet). It will come back. I have no doubt on that.