Yelling at the Gods I Serve

During Her Saq last Retreat, Sekhmet’s message for me was that this was going to be a good year. A really good year, even. And then it was peppered with potholes – my partner’s injury (and subsequent loss of mobility) in his thumb, dissolution of plans to move in with my partner, my dad’s back surgery, my further decline into an emotional pit, the temporary decommissioning of my shrine spaces, the necessity of moving my shrine spaces, my struggle with triggering material in my schoolwork, my dad’s further back surgery and subsequent massive complications, a number of persistent (though thankfully not severe) illnesses, and countless other little failures and setbacks along the way.

At some point I started shouting at the Gods about it. “You said this was going to be a good year! Why the hell would you get my hopes up if it was going to suck so drastically? What am I doing/not doing to be punished like this?”

Last night I finally got an answer. I was dragging myself into shrine, limping after basically pulling myself to pieces in therapy earlier, with a bad case of the pricklies. As I pressed my forehead to the floor before my Mother, I heard simply:

We may see the good in a year, but it is the deeds and fate of others that may get in your way.

Even that hurts a little. I was promised something good, and it got screwed up somehow. To my cranky mortal brain, That’s Not Fair. And then I looked at the Ptah heka from Wep Ronpet, and proceeded to bonk my head against the wall. Yes, this year has been hellish and painful and my gods I will be so glad to see the birth of Ra again BUT– not a single piece of this heka has been wasted. My needs, my goals – I’m far closer to them all today than I was last August. I don’t want that to be the case in some ways. If I’m promised something good, I want it to be something good in my understanding. I don’t want it to be something “good for me”, like medicine that cures your illness with a million side-effects. I want to enjoy it.

But here I am, approaching the New Year and my 24th birthday; looking forward to a trip to the beach with Ra this weekend and a few others besides, and I’m here and I’m a little more resilient than I was this time last year. A little more scraped up on the knees to be sure, but then I suppose we get these bodies to use them.

10 thoughts on “Yelling at the Gods I Serve

  1. Sekhmet once told me in saq that the upcoming Year was going to be a good one. I would chalk up that Year as being one of the worst of my life, no hyperbole. But by the time the next New Year rolled around, I reflected on the prior twelve months and realized that although it all entirely sucked, *I* was better for it. The trials of that Year made me a better person, so yes, I would agree, that was a good Year.

    Apparently, to the gods, “good” does not mean “easy” or “fun”.

  2. I hear you, I have had a hell of a year. Ranging from me and my wife being made redundent to her having severe sciatica for months, with lots in between. When i asked my mother why she said “its a test”. I sweare i could have flew off the handle at that point, still dont know what she means today.

    1. I think if we hang on long enough, we’ll either see a purpose or at least a little light in what’s happening in our lives. Even if we never learn why something’s happening, we can still make the best of it.

      I’m generally not a proponent of the thought that “all bad things happen for a reason”, though. I think sometimes bad things just happen – but we can still find meaning and importance in them through what we do as a result. Food for thought, I suppose.

  3. I do feel that one. Had a similar situation with Sekhmet last time I went to Retreat, and I keep wanting to say “When?”
    If only life could be more certain…

  4. Sometimes, I think, the gods are so focused on the general that they can’t see the specific. “Things are going to be good for you, with us,” versus “work with your gods will be great, but the mundane is pretty sucky for a while.” I think they like to speak to us in riddles of sorts, if for no other reason, than to keep us on our toes.

    1. True, true. Though I’d give that more weight if things with Them had stayed great. I wound up booted out of my shrine room (which was then used as a long-term guest room) for almost 4 months, so… who knows. I’m not a god, so maybe it’s beyond me.

  5. Psh, it’s totally been a good year, you met me! [/tease]

    All I can really say here is that I empathize with you. This seems to be a recurring theme with Sekhmet’s people, that Her good may be good, but painful as well. I can only hope for the best for you, Sobeq. Much love. ❤

  6. With Set, my “go-to” God, I got this a lot over the past year. Nearly died four times, in and out of the hospital, shoddy engagement to an abusive US Army Sergeant, couldn’t go to school or work, lost a lot of friends through the din and haze of “battle,” got diagnosed with an autoimmune disease . . . I felt very alone, very lost, in a lot of pain, emotional and physical. There were a lot of times when He wouldn’t speak to me (though I understand Gods do that, and that I’m not the center of His universe, I *really needed Him then*). I broke down and cried in shrine a lot without meaning to. I’m not normally the “break down and cry” type, either.

    But, if anything, this year has taught me how to take a serious punch like a man. While there were times when I really stood up for myself, I can’t say I’ve been standing on my own two feet throughout this, no — but I have come to realize who my real friends and loved ones are. I got rid of a lot of “dead limbs” thanks to all the bullsh** I went through with my ex-fiance and my illnesses. No more draining “friendships.” No more social clutter. No more flimsy boundaries. No more unnecessary walls. I’ve also grown closer to the Gods of my understanding as well as my religious community, refined my practice a great deal, and grew, improved myself, in spite of everything. I learned Grace, and how to be grateful for what I do have in the face of what I don’t. My best friend, who is in the Marines, grew incredibly close, stuck by me, took care of me when I needed someone, and gave me love and comfort during those excruciating months when my ex-fiance was being an ever-absent, lying, cheating, hateful good-for-nothing. Now that Marine is my partner, and we’ve forged our own happiness.

    They were hard lessons, some lethal, but I stuck with them. In a lot of ways, I do feel that my toil was absolutely worth it, and that Set (and Montu, though that’s a bit of a side-story) rewarded me. And I like to think that Set freed me from a whole host of terrible situations that would have led to a miserable, grey future. These things *needed* to happen. And in retrospect, I’m glad they did. I’m glad He was there, and I’m glad for the times He wasn’t there, so I could learn courage and strength.

    Set promised me nothing in the way of good or bad years. Life with Him is always challenging, and although I never expected rainbows and unicorns, I never expected this kind of clusterf***, either. This was by far the worst, most trying year of my life. At the same time, it was also one of the best and the most triumphant. Aubs said it best, I think: ” ‘Things are going to be good for you, with Us,’ versus ‘work with your Gods will be great, but the mundane is pretty sucky for a while.’ ” ❤

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s