During Her Saq last Retreat, Sekhmet’s message for me was that this was going to be a good year. A really good year, even. And then it was peppered with potholes – my partner’s injury (and subsequent loss of mobility) in his thumb, dissolution of plans to move in with my partner, my dad’s back surgery, my further decline into an emotional pit, the temporary decommissioning of my shrine spaces, the necessity of moving my shrine spaces, my struggle with triggering material in my schoolwork, my dad’s further back surgery and subsequent massive complications, a number of persistent (though thankfully not severe) illnesses, and countless other little failures and setbacks along the way.
At some point I started shouting at the Gods about it. “You said this was going to be a good year! Why the hell would you get my hopes up if it was going to suck so drastically? What am I doing/not doing to be punished like this?”
Last night I finally got an answer. I was dragging myself into shrine, limping after basically pulling myself to pieces in therapy earlier, with a bad case of the pricklies. As I pressed my forehead to the floor before my Mother, I heard simply:
We may see the good in a year, but it is the deeds and fate of others that may get in your way.
Even that hurts a little. I was promised something good, and it got screwed up somehow. To my cranky mortal brain, That’s Not Fair. And then I looked at the Ptah heka from Wep Ronpet, and proceeded to bonk my head against the wall. Yes, this year has been hellish and painful and my gods I will be so glad to see the birth of Ra again BUT– not a single piece of this heka has been wasted. My needs, my goals – I’m far closer to them all today than I was last August. I don’t want that to be the case in some ways. If I’m promised something good, I want it to be something good in my understanding. I don’t want it to be something “good for me”, like medicine that cures your illness with a million side-effects. I want to enjoy it.
But here I am, approaching the New Year and my 24th birthday; looking forward to a trip to the beach with Ra this weekend and a few others besides, and I’m here and I’m a little more resilient than I was this time last year. A little more scraped up on the knees to be sure, but then I suppose we get these bodies to use them.